


Is this not enough?

by moonchild_x



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Arguing, Coming Out, Cute, Declarations Of Love, Fluff, Gay, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, Phanfiction, Relationship(s), Secret Relationship, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-09 21:25:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5555909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonchild_x/pseuds/moonchild_x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil have been dating for a few years now, however they have been keeping it a secret from their subscribers. Phil believes he is ready to come out, however he is worried to ask Dan, as he seemed pretty uptight about keeping it a secret back when they first started dating. Phil decides to ask Dan, and this is what happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is this not enough?

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time uploading a fic, please feel free to write some feedback, thank you!

PHIL’S POV

Dan set up the camera on the tripod, facing my bed. I stared as his nose twisted with concentration as he tried to focus the camera perfectly. He noticed me in the doorway and his eyes dropped to look at my crotch. “Is that a sharpie in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” He joked, causing me to double over in laughter, taking the sharpie out of my pocket to use in our video. We were about to film another one of our Q and A videos, Phil is Not on Fire. Dan finished setting up the camera and sat down on the bed, patting the space on the left of him. I carefully walked around the tripod and sat down beside him, taking his warm, strong left hand in mine, interlocking our fingers. He smiled and we stared into each other’s eyes. I gently caressed his cheek with my fingertips and kissed his lips softly and cautiously, closing my eyes. When we both pulled away, Dan awkwardly looked down and adjusted his position in front of the camera. “Okay prince charming, let’s try to get through a video without you giving me a hard on, okay?” He joked, causing me to laugh loudly. I leaned forward and clicked record and we started our video. I took the sharpie out of my pocket and I started drawing the whiskers on his face. His face looked suspiciously like the face he pulls when he is reaching climax, causing me to laugh hysterically. “What was that?” I laughed, my voice breaking slightly from the explosion of laughter. Dan laughed hysterically, embarrassed. “Sorry!” He said between laughter, turning bright pink. We took a few deep breaths and tried again.

Dan and I had been a couple for just over 3 years. He is my best friend and we spend almost every moment together. I remember the day we met, we instantly knew this would be a long term thing. We watch the same anime, we play the same video games, like the same movies, we even have the same haircut. He means the world to me. 3 years ago, Dan and I had a conversation about not telling the fans about us. “I don’t want us to be a gimmick. I want us to be known for our videos and our humour rather than our relationship. I don’t want us to be seen differently to the fans. We’ve both been making videos for years and I don’t want to be seen differently because of who I love.” I remember him saying. I understood at the time and completely agreed. Back in 2012 not many YouTubers were coming out about their sexualities and we had no idea how the fans would react to it. Our friends and people we know personally know and have agreed to keep it a secret from the fans, and it’s really been wonderful, however I can’t help but wish the fans knew. Although ever since that day, I decided never to bring that up. Dan seemed to have his mind made up, however I just really wanted them to know, more and more as time went on.

Today, after filming the Phil is not on fire video, I decided I would ask Dan if he was ready to let the fans know. I had a list of things I was going to say in my back pocket as we filmed the video and I couldn’t help but feel nervous. I didn’t know how he was going to react to it, I just really hoped he wouldn’t get upset with me. I could tell it was a touchy subject but I just didn’t see anything wrong with letting them know. Since I had seen a few YouTubers come out recently and they were completely accepted by their subscribers and were supported by the community, I believed it was our time.

“If you want to subscribe to Dan’s channel, click on his face to subscribe” I said, staring into the camera and waving my arms around Dan’s face. “Goodbye guys!” We both said to the camera as I jumped forward and put my hands over the lens to signify the end of the video, hitting the button to end the recording. Nerves hit me hard, knowing that I had promised myself I would ask him now. Dan had already stood up to start packing up the equipment. “Dan…” I began, taking the crumpled, folded up piece of paper I had in my back pocket. “Yes?” He replied, as he packed up the camera and tripod. He wasn’t paying attention, so I took a deep breath and said “Dan, I…. I need to talk to you about something.” Dan turned around, looking worried. “Oh, okay.” He said uncertainly, putting down the tripod he was folding down and sitting on the bed beside me, crossing his legs, a common thing he does when he is uncomfortable or nervous. I unfolded the piece of paper and looked at the first dot point I had scribbled. _Been dating for 3 years._ “So um, we have been dating for 3 years now and… I just I think it may be a good idea to umm… possibly…tell them...” I began stuttering and trying to find the right words, and the expression on Dan’s face was giving me all the wrong signals. His face was turning from worry to anger to sadness, as if he was completely sure of what I was about to say. “Is this relationship not enough for you already?” Dan asked, looking straight into my eyes. That hit me like a slap in the face. “Dan, this relationship is the best thing to ever happen to me. I just feel like it’s our time to join in and tell the fans-” I began. “Phil, you promised we wouldn’t do this. I trusted you not to think this would be a good idea. Phil, what if they don’t like us? What if they lose respect for us? I can’t face that.” Dan said, his face holding a strained expression, tears beginning to fill his eyes. Anger began to fill me, he wasn’t listening to me. “Why are you being so uptight about this? You saw Troye come out and everything was fine. Connor came out and everyone supported him. God, Tyler Oakley has always been out and he has always had a lot of subscribers. Why can’t we join them? Are… Are you ashamed of this?” I said, the last bit hitting me hard, changing my rage into pure sadness. Dan looked shocked and angry, and I began regretting what I had said. “Phil, you’re not listening. I thought you, of all people, would understand. You don’t listen to me. Why don’t you try to listen to me?” Dan said, as calmly as he could, his fists clenched. “I’m sorry Dan I didn’t mean that I’m-” I began. “Stop. I don’t need this. You can’t force me to do this. You can’t force me to do anything. Fuck, Phil. Why?” The hurt in his voice crushed my heart, causing me to break down into tears as he got up and left the room.

DAN’S POV

I rushed to my room and pulled on my shoes, wiping away tears. I grabbed my phone and wallet and ran to the bathroom to wipe off the cat whiskers. I felt stupid. I felt betrayed. I felt so much anger and so much sadness and I just needed to get out of this apartment. I scrubbed off the cat whiskers, grabbed my coat and stormed out of the apartment. I had stopped crying and was now just trying to distract myself. I put in my earphones and played Kanye, turning it up loud. I was angry. I was really angry. _How could he have done that?_ I thought, my body filling with anger. I walked down the street quickly in time to the music, straight towards the station to head into town. I tend to do this a lot when I am angry, just go into town and go to relaxing cafes and let my anger drain away naturally. I listened to my music and thought all my angry thoughts on the way there, stopping myself from texting Phil or calling him. I couldn’t send a fair message when I am angry, so I decided to just not contact him until I was calm and ready to reason with him. I arrived in town at 4pm, in time to get a coffee.

I went into a quiet café and sat down near the window, looking out at the cold, dim London Street outside. I ordered a hot chocolate, a comfort drink of mine, and gazed out the window, thinking. _I don’t understand why he didn’t just listen to me the first time. I am just not ready, why can’t he see that? He is gay too, he should know how it feels to not be ready to come out, especially when we have millions of subscribers that can possibly turn their backs on us._ I thought, sipping the warm, sweet, comforting tasting liquid. The drink began calming down my anger, settling me back down.

I finished the drink and went into the book store across the street, picking up a new novel I had been looking at for a while and opening it, reading the first few pages. I began finding myself more and more calm, perhaps ready to talk this out. I walked back to the station and got onto the train home, taking my phone out of my back pocket and putting in my earphones, playing some music. I opened up notes and began writing down how I was feeling in the best way I could describe it to explain it to myself and to explain it to Phil once I was with him. Once I arrived at my stop, I had just about finished writing and was ready to talk to Phil. It was 6pm. I wonder what Phil is up to? I thought.

PHIL’S POV

How could I had been so stupid? I asked myself, sitting up in my bed with my laptop on my lap. Several hours had passed and I had heard Dan leave not long after the argument, not telling me where he had gone. I assumed he had gone into town for a while, as he usually did when he needed some space from me. The room around me was a mess of tissues, I hadn’t cried this much in months. I hadn’t had a fight like this with Dan in a very long time and it ripped my heart to pieces. I kept on imagining his last words before he left and it hurt to think about it. I had done all the usual things I do when I am upset, have a shower, eat cereal, try to watch Buffy, but nothing was working. I ended up just sitting up in bed, drinking a coffee and staring at my phone, hoping that Dan would call. I was too scared to call him, as I was in the wrong here. I felt really sad, I really missed him. All I wanted to do was hold him in my arms. I did the only thing I could think of doing and I opened up notepad on my laptop, writing in a letter of apology to Dan. I shed a few tears as I typed it in, but I just let my heart pour out into it. I had no idea when Dan would return and I was just hoping it would be tonight, and I was hoping he would be ready to read this and would understand. I printed out the note and decided to slip it under the front door, so that if he was to return tonight, it would be the first thing he would read. I went over to the front door, slipped the letter underneath, and sat down beside the door anxiously.

DAN’S POV

It was 6:15 and I was standing out the front of our apartment door. I was holding the key in front of me, close to the keyhole, but I had hesitated. I was terrified to open the door. I had no idea if Phil was ready to talk about it, I had no idea if this could possibly be the last time that Phil and I would spend the night in the same house. I didn’t know if I could face it, nervousness filled my body. I contemplated going back into town and spending a bit longer there, but I knew I had to face whatever I had coming for me inside that house. Just as I went to slip the key into the key hole- something slipped under the door. I jumped. Does he know I’ve been standing here? What does it say? What if it is telling me to leave? Fuck, fuck, fuck! I slowly, silently picked it up and began reading it.

_Dan,_  
Do you remember that day, 3 years ago, I asked to make you mine? Every single day since that day I have been saying the same thing to myself; You, Phil Lester, are the luckiest guy to have ever lived. You better not mess this up, Phil, you got yourself a keeper. Today, however, I made a terrible, terrible mistake. I want to begin with saying I am so, incredibly sorry. Dan, I didn’t listen and I didn’t try to understand. I was selfish and didn’t think about anything else but myself. I feel so terrible and I promise you, I will never, ever do that again. You are everything to me and I am kicking myself just thinking about what I have done.  
Dan Howell, if you forgive me I promise I will meet the postman at 8am when we both argue over who is going to do it every day for the rest of our lives together, and I promise I will make you a hot breakfast every single day and honestly, I will do everything and anything for you, just to keep you happy. You mean the world to me, Dan.  
Please forgive me.  
Love, Phil. 

Tears fell onto the letter as I sat down, smiling. I wiped away the tears quickly and took a deep breath, standing up and unlocking the door and stepping inside. Well, I took one step inside before completely tripping and falling over Phil, who was sitting beside the door, who squealed in fear as I crashed over him and we found ourselves lying in the middle of the hallway. I burst into laughter, sitting up and rubbing my head, which had banged on the wall as I fell. Phil joined in and sat up, scooting over to me. “I am so sorry” I said, resting my head on his shoulder. He put his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. “No, I’m sorry. We don’t need to tell them, everything is okay” he reassured me, gently stroking my shoulder. I smiled, a warm, calm feeling washing over me. “I love you so much, Phil”, I said. “I love you too, Dan”, he responded.


End file.
